Conflict

I can remember it like it was yesterday; it was the first day of summer vacation and I was 6. My friend Marty and I were enjoying a hot summer day and our new found freedom. We were practicing our skills for a kick ball game that we were sure was about to break out when out of no where Marty started making fun of the way I kicked the ball. I wasn't going to have it so I started making fun of his freckles and before you know it, it was on! Fortunately for me I was much bigger than Marty so the whole incident didn't last very long. There were a few punches thrown, a couple of headlocks attempted and then somehow I ended up pinning him down. The problem with pinning him was I didn't know what to do next, I had never been in a fist fight before. After a few awkward moments, I let him up and we went back to our game as if nothing ever happened.

I would guess that there are a few of you out there that remember the first fight you had in your marriage the way I remember that first fight with Marty. You probably remember the words that were said, the feelings that were hurt and you probably hoped it would never happen again. The problem is disagreements do happen, and they happen to the best of us. God made each of us unique and gave each of us experiences that for better or worse shape who we are. The process of two becoming one is great, but it is not without friction. If you want to be able successfully navigate conflict and not lose at love you should remember these 8 things.

1. Fight by mutual consent. Conflict resolution requires the participation of both parties. Don't start a "discussion" at a time when it can't be resolved fully.
2. Stick to the present. Old fights are irrelevant to current situations.
3. Stick to the subject. Limit disagreements to one subject at a time and then work through them to conclusion.
4. Don't hit below the belt. Don't use words just to injure. You know where your spouses weaknesses are, leave them alone.
5. Don't quit! Bring all conflicts to a mutual conclusion.
6. Don't try to WIN EVER! If you seek to win, you make your spouse the loser. Nobody wants to be a loser or be married to one.
7. Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel, but it must not cause the disagreement to be prematurely ended.
8. No violence. Ever. There is no justification for physical confrontation.

There are two reasons why we should have conflict: to understand each other better and to develop greater intimacy. If you follow these simple keys your disagreements should bring you closer together, not farther apart, and that after all is the goal.

Ed