Memorial Day

Memorial Day has always been big for our family. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of my entire family gathering at the little country cemetery in Adair county to look at all the pretty flowers people would leave on the graves. After an hour or so of, "partying in the cemetery", we would all head back to my grandmother's house for a picnic. I never really understood what we were there to remember, but I loved the time with my cousins in the country.

Unfortunately many people view memorial day as nothing more than a day off from work and as an excuse to party with their friends. I hope that we will pause today and remember those who came before us and paved the way for so many freedoms we have. Let's remember the soldiers who gave their lives so that we could live in a country where we are free to celebrate and worship as we please. Let's remember our loved ones who have died and celebrate the heritage they have passed on to us. Let's remember our spiritual brothers and sisters who are still living and dying in places around the world for the sake of the gospel. Last, but certainly not least, let us remember today (like hopefully everyday) the savior who gave his life for us that we may not perish but have everlasting life.

We have so much to remember and so much to be thankful for. I spent yesterday in the same little country cemetery where I spent my childhood, only this time I did it as the father of three decorating the grave of my father. I am so thankful for all that he did for me and taught me over the years. I hope that I pass along to my kids what this day is really for. I hope that I pass along the knowledge of what these ancestors of ours did for us. Most of all though I hope that I leave a legacy worth remembering to those who are coming after me. What will my children say about me as they stand around my grave (in that same little cemetery)? Whatever it is that they will say is being written by me today. It's my prayer that I (and we) will live lives worthy of being remembered. I plan on starting again today, how about you?

Ed

Conflict

I can remember it like it was yesterday; it was the first day of summer vacation and I was 6. My friend Marty and I were enjoying a hot summer day and our new found freedom. We were practicing our skills for a kick ball game that we were sure was about to break out when out of no where Marty started making fun of the way I kicked the ball. I wasn't going to have it so I started making fun of his freckles and before you know it, it was on! Fortunately for me I was much bigger than Marty so the whole incident didn't last very long. There were a few punches thrown, a couple of headlocks attempted and then somehow I ended up pinning him down. The problem with pinning him was I didn't know what to do next, I had never been in a fist fight before. After a few awkward moments, I let him up and we went back to our game as if nothing ever happened.

I would guess that there are a few of you out there that remember the first fight you had in your marriage the way I remember that first fight with Marty. You probably remember the words that were said, the feelings that were hurt and you probably hoped it would never happen again. The problem is disagreements do happen, and they happen to the best of us. God made each of us unique and gave each of us experiences that for better or worse shape who we are. The process of two becoming one is great, but it is not without friction. If you want to be able successfully navigate conflict and not lose at love you should remember these 8 things.

1. Fight by mutual consent. Conflict resolution requires the participation of both parties. Don't start a "discussion" at a time when it can't be resolved fully.
2. Stick to the present. Old fights are irrelevant to current situations.
3. Stick to the subject. Limit disagreements to one subject at a time and then work through them to conclusion.
4. Don't hit below the belt. Don't use words just to injure. You know where your spouses weaknesses are, leave them alone.
5. Don't quit! Bring all conflicts to a mutual conclusion.
6. Don't try to WIN EVER! If you seek to win, you make your spouse the loser. Nobody wants to be a loser or be married to one.
7. Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel, but it must not cause the disagreement to be prematurely ended.
8. No violence. Ever. There is no justification for physical confrontation.

There are two reasons why we should have conflict: to understand each other better and to develop greater intimacy. If you follow these simple keys your disagreements should bring you closer together, not farther apart, and that after all is the goal.

Ed

Communication

I was recently reading one of my favorite magazines (Outside) and I ran across an article about Dean Karnazes. Dean is an ultra-marathoner and in the article he talked about a recent experience he had while running in the 621 mile Four Desert Challenge. He said he was on day four of running across the Sahara when he became dangerously dehydrated. His ears started ringing, his head started spinning and he had no choice but to sit down in the sand, completely by himself and figure a way out of the mess he was in. What would he do? "Be in the moment, don't think about what you have to do next, just take one step at a time. There's magic in misery". Magic in misery? If there is magic in misery then I bet there are lots of people out there who would say their marriages are Disneyland! Many people struggle through their marriages only loosely connected to the ones they love and that's a shame. One of the best things you can do for your marriage is become a champion communicator. Here are 7 ways that you can become the kind of communicator that would change the course of your marriage.

1. Learn to listen. Let your spouse know that you are a safe person for them to talk to then prove it by paying attention. Don't always be so anxious to "fix" the problem, they often already have the solution, they just need you to hear them.
2. If you see that your spouse has a problem with something, ask about it. They are your business. Don't be so afraid of their reaction that you miss an opportunity to help.
3. Learn how to walk. Leave behind the cell phones, the facebook and the distractions and just share some time together.
4. Turn off the T.V. There is only so long two people can sit together in silence before one person starts to talk. Take advantage of that time together.
5. Don't discuss important issues in bed before you fall asleep. Fatigue will make you say things you might regret later.
6. Never agree to anything without checking with your spouse 1st. It might make you feel silly at first, but it will communicate to your spouse that you esteem them more highly than anyone else.
7. Finally, attend worship and join a bible study together. The topics raised during worship and bible study are a great jumping off points to real meaningful conversations.

In many, many ways, communication is the key to a healthy relationship. My hope is that you take these 7 keys and figure out which one(s) opens the door to your partners heart.

Expectations

The second in our series on marriage was Godly expectations. We all enter our marriage with expectations, we expect things will always be great and our spouses will always meet all of our needs. It usually doesn't take to long for reality to set in. Life is complicated, people are sinners, and each of us have struggles that we have to face. One thing that I think would serve our marriages well is to remember that not only do we have expectations for our marriage, but God does too. His expectations for marriage come directly from Ephesians 5:22-33. In those verses God lays out for wives that he expects them to be submissive and for husbands that he expects them to love sacrificially. We spoke in class about how true submission isn't demeaning, its actually freeing. It is not something that women do to men, but wives do to their husbands. It also isn't something that women do FOR men, but out of service to God. In class I gave 5 tips that women could institute if they truly wanted to bless their husbands. I didn't come up with these, they actually come from Danny Akin in one of his many marital seminars. I don't think he will mind if I share them with you here however.

1. Wives if you want to bless your husband, give him honor and respect. It is his greatest need and your best way to help him become all that he can become. The best way for you to show your husband respect, is to tell him you are proud of him.
2. Wives should provide sexual fulfillment. Telling him he is great is nice, sometimes showing him is better.
3. Cultivate home support. Create an atmosphere at home that is safe and rejuvenating.
4. Strive to be attractive both inside and out. Don't save your best for other people, share that with your husband.
5. Finally, become his best friend. Learn to do things that he enjoys so that he doesn't always see others as fun and you as a drag. Learn to share experiences together.

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. That means for a husband to love his wife properly, he must love her sacrificially. Guy's its not all about you, in fact its not about you at all. A marriage isn't 50-50, its each of you giving 100% to the other. Danny Akin listed 7 things that a man can do if he wants to love his wife, here is that list.

1. Be a spiritual leader. Be a man of character, commitment, and compassion. Be a student of the word and lead her along.
2. Give her personal affirmation. Not only in private but in public, make her feel like she is the most special woman in the world.
3. Show her personal affection in the form of romance. Don't let the flowers, cards and letters stop once you say "I do".
4. Initiate intimate conversation. Talk with her on a heart level. Listen to what she says and learn to communicate in a way that she understands.
5. Be honest and open. Look your wife in the eye, tell her the truth and never give her a reason to doubt you.
6. Provide home and stability. Be responsible in the area of providing for the family.
7. Finally demonstrate your family commitment. After Jesus, put your wife first. Don't play the fools game of working long hours trying to get ahead and loose your family in the process.

Marriage is about sacrifice. Husbands and wives together sacrificing themselves for each other. That is what God expects of us and what we should expect of each other. Once realistic expectations are put in place, realistic outcomes become possible to achieve.

More than love

A few weeks ago during our Sunday morning ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) I began a five week series on marriage. Since our class is made up of couples who for the most part have been married less than five years, I thought it might be a good idea to cover some basic marital concerns that we all face. Statistics tell us that every year somewhere between 43 and 52% of all marriages end in divorce. For those of us who regard marriage as sacred that number is both sicking and frightening. I think that one thing the church needs to do is remind people that marriage is not something man created, it is not something man designed, it is not something that culture dictates: marriage was created by and belongs to God. He invented it, He put it in motion and it is He who gets to set the guidelines for it. According to Genesis 2:24 God gave Adam his bride Eve, there by showing us the parameters of marriage (1 man and 1 woman). In that same verse he also shows us the importance of marriage. When a man and woman get married they will make all other earthly relationships secondary to their marriage. In this verse (24) he also shows the duration of marriage, it is to be permanent. When the bible says that they will "become one flesh" it means just that. They are no longer two separate entities revolving around each other, they are one. The only way to truly become "one" is to understand what you are getting into. Love is great, but love tends to fluctuate. Some days you really feel it, and other days, well not so much. What marriage was created to be is a covenant. A covenant between two people, who by the way, should be equally yoked together. Many people think a covenant is a contract, but that's really not true. The bible speaks of covenants in many places, but one of the best definitions of a covenant I could find actually comes from the marriage manuel at our church. I thought I would share with you a few things it says about covenant's.

• A covenant is based on trust between parties; a contract is based on distrust.
• A covenant is based on unlimited responsibility; a contract is based on limited responsibility.
• A covenant cannot be broken if new circumstances occur; a contract can be broken by mutual consent.

Love is great, it is something that God wants us all to experience. The reality is however, that love alone won't keep us together. We need to know that when we say I do before God and men, we have entered into a sacred trust. It is something not to be entered into lightly, because one flesh can never really heal once it is torn apart.

Ed